


Excerpts from Pride and Extreme Prejudice

by Antosha



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Pride and Prejudice Fusion, Drama & Romance, F/M, Goblins, Phallic Sword, Pride and Prejudice References, Romance, Satire, Snuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24843109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antosha/pseuds/Antosha
Summary: The reviews are in for the literary smash!Pride and Extreme Prejudiceby Jane Gordon31 weeks atop the Ankh-Morpork Times Bestseller List!(Discworld/P&P crossover... because Pratchett said so)
Relationships: Original Characters - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	Excerpts from Pride and Extreme Prejudice

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this with apologies to the real Jane—Austen, that is—immediately after completing _Snuff_ , pTerry's last truly great book.
> 
> I mean, come on: a Discworld/Austen crossover that's called out in canon? How could I not?

##  **The reviews are in for  
the literary smash**

#  **_Pride and Extreme Prejudice_ **

##  **by Jane Gordon**

##    
**_31 weeks atop the Ankh-Morpork Times Bestseller List!_ **

#### "A romantic, insightful look at love, with lots of explosions!" — Rupert Cognizenti, _The Times_

#### "Kept me awake." — His Grace, the Duke of Ankh

#### "Very nice, dear." — Lady Sybill Vimes

#### An Excerpt:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man of good fortune--and in possession of a Burleigh and Stronginthearm crossbow--must be in want of a wife.

However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered by most of those the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters--and by others the most likely threat to their continued health until such time as the self-righteous fool be fobbed off onto some one or the other of the local fillies, who would surely distract him from being too nosy for his own--or their--good.

"Why, Colonel Goody," said his wife to him one day, "have you heard? Forkhollow Hall is let at last!"

Colonel Goody did not answer, but chewed on his cigar and turned to the next page of the Times.

"Do you not want to know who has taken it?" cried his wife impatiently.

"You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it." _Indeed,_ he thought, _you'll tell me whether I wish to hear it or no_.  
In any case, this was invitation enough.

"Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Short says that Forkhollow is taken by a young man of large fortune from Hubward, from Lancre; that he came down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that he agreed with Mr. Ninemen immediately; that he is to take possession before Hogswatch, and some of his servants are to be in the house by the end of next week."

The colonel turned another page. "What is his name?"

"Boomly. Captain Boomly."

This caught the colonel's attention. "A naval man? From _Lancre_?"

"Of course not, my dear, do not be silly. A watchman! Second in command of the Lancre Constabulary."

 _Hmmph,_ thought the colonel, _there are some hereabouts who shan't be happy to hear **that.**_ "Is he married or single?"

"Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single man of large fortune; four or five thousand a year. And armed to the teeth! What a fine thing for our girls!"

"How so? How can it affect them?"

"My dear Mr. Goody," replied his wife, "how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of his marrying one of them."

"Is that his design in settling here?" _Or is he perhaps following the trail of those dastardly smugglers of Slab and Slice?_

"Design! Nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that he may fall in love with one of them, and therefore you must visit him as soon as he comes."

"Hmmph. We've got a surplus of 'em. Did he bring his entire squad?"

"No, my dear, why ever should he do that? He has come only with his sisters, and with his superior, Commander Darkly."

"Ah."

#### An Excerpt:

As the last standing wall of Forkhollow crashed to the ground in a catastrophe of sparks and the bonfire consumed the two slowest of the smugglers--along with thirty kilos of street-grade Slab--Commander Darkly at last turned toward Katherine. The burning manor behind him made him a mere silhouette, his features all but invisible; yet his eyes shone from the darkness as bright as any flame.

"Miss Katherine," he said, "in vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

Katherine's astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, coloured, doubted, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement; and, as he cleaned the blood from his rapier, the avowal of all that he felt, and had long felt for her, immediately followed. He spoke well; but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed; and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her attachment to the county and its illicit trades—of its being a degradation—of the family obstacles which had always opposed to inclination, not to mention her support of the downtrodden species who dwelled nearby--these were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit.

In spite of her deeply-rooted dislike, she could not be insensible to the compliment of such a man's affection (nor to the risk of angering a heavily armed man immediately after he had done battle), and though her intentions did not vary for an instant, she was at first sorry for the pain he was to receive and not a little anxious at the thought of enflaming his potentially homicidal wrath; yet finally, roused to resentment by his subsequent language, she lost all compassion in anger. She tried, however, to compose herself to answer him with patience, when he should have done. He concluded with representing to her the strength of that attachment which, in spite of all his endeavours, he had found impossible to conquer; and with expressing his hope that it would now be rewarded by her acceptance of his hand. As he said this, she could easily see that he had no doubt of a favourable answer. He spoke of apprehension and anxiety, but his countenance expressed real security. Such a circumstance could only exasperate farther, and, when he ceased, the colour rose into her cheeks, and she said:

"In such cases as this, it is, I believe, the established mode to express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed, however unequally they may be returned. It is natural that obligation should be felt, and if I could feel gratitude, I would now thank you. But I cannot—I have never desired your good opinion, and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly. I am sorry to have occasioned pain to anyone. It has been most unconsciously done, however, and I hope will be of short duration. The feelings which, you tell me, have long prevented the acknowledgment of your regard, can have little difficulty in overcoming it after this explanation."

Commander Darkly, who was standing before the blaze with his eyes fixed on her face, seemed to catch her words with no less resentment than surprise. His complexion became pale with anger, and the disturbance of his mind was visible in every feature. He was struggling for the appearance of composure, and would not open his lips till he believed himself to have attained it. His sword hand gripped the handle of his blade till the point lifted straight toward her. _Oh!_ she thought, close to fainting. The pause was to Katherine's feelings dreadful. At length, with a voice of forced calmness, he said:

"And this is all the reply which I am to have the honour of expecting! I might, perhaps, wish to be informed why, with so little endeavour at civility, I am thus rejected. But it is of small importance."

"I might as well inquire," replied she, "why with so evident a desire of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason, and even against your character? Was not this some excuse for incivility, if I was uncivil? But I have other provocations. You know I have. Had not my feelings decided against you—had they been indifferent, or had they even been favourable, do you think that any consideration would tempt me to accept the man who has been the means of ruining, perhaps for ever, the aspirations of the poor wretches who struggle below our ground as slaves to the very criminals whom you hunt? I know that you believe them but vermin, Commander, yet you have not known them as I have. Can vermin dance or sing or play so sweetly that it threatens to pull your soul from your very body? Can vermin speak and think and feel and suffer--not the pain of the body, sir, but the agony of the spirit subjected to base slavery?"

Violently, he sheathed his blade, and Katherine gasped, feeling relieved and yet, somehow, disappointed. "And this is your opinion of me? This is the estimation in which you hold me! But perhaps these offenses might have been overlooked had not your pride been hurt by my honest confession of the scruples that have long prevented my forming any serious design. A neighbor to traffickers? And an apologist for goblins? Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections?"

"You are mistaken, Commander, if you suppose that the mode of your declaration affected me in any other way, than as it has spared me the concern which I might have felt in refusing you, had you but placed the law and what was right above your own insufferable pride."

She saw him start at this, but he said nothing, and she continued: "You could not have made the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it."

#### An Excerpt:

"We will not quarrel for the greater share of blame annexed to that evening," said Katherine. "The conduct of neither, if strictly examined, will be irreproachable; but since then, we have both, I hope, improved in civility."

"I cannot be so easily reconciled to myself. The recollection of what I then said, of my conduct, my manners, of how close I came to… to thrusting my sword into you that night—"

 _Oh!_ thought Katherine, shuddering in both fear and inexplicable longing. _Oh, my. Thrusting!_

"—of my expressions during the whole of it, is now, and has been many months, inexpressibly painful to me. Your reproof, so well applied, I shall never forget: 'had you but placed the law and what was right above your own insufferable pride.' Those were your words. You know not, you can scarcely conceive, how they have tortured me;—though it was some time, I confess, before I was reasonable enough to allow their justice."

"I was certainly very far from expecting them to make so strong an impression. I had not the smallest idea of their being ever felt in such a way."

"I can easily believe it. You thought me then devoid of every proper feeling, I am sure you did. The turn of your countenance I shall never forget, as you said that I could not have addressed you in any possible way that would induce you to accept me." He knelt, unsheathing his long, straight blade as he did so, and placed the heavy handle of it in her hand.

"The goblins are free. The traffickers are routed. All of this was done for justice, truly, but in my soul, it was done only for you."

Katherine was too much overcome to say a word. After a short pause, her companion added, "You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last Hogswatch, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever."

"Erk," she said, her fingers twitching as they gripped the smooth warmth of his sword's handle. Incapable of further speech, she nodded.

His dark face flushed with excitement, the commander stood, stepping close to her--close enough that she could smell the bitter scent of the blade-cleaning oil that he clearly used with so frequently and with such vigor, and that she could feel his breath upon her lips. He smiled--a rare sight indeed, for it was not his hunter's smile, but rather the smile of a man made truly happy. "Come on," he said, "and kiss me, Kate."

This she did, letting his sword fall to the greensward, knowing that she would be hefting it again soon enough.

**Author's Note:**

>  **A/N** : Yes, I know that the entire Lancre watch is Nanny Ogg's Shawn. Our Jane (Gordon) is a romantic soul — and she wouldn't necessarily know that. :-)


End file.
